       :::::::::::::::::::::::
       ::: JUST FOR LAUGHS :::
       :::::::::::::::::::::::

          Compiled by Effead
                of the
          Deviant Designers.

              Written by
          an unknown nobody.

 Top 10 Least Popular Artificial 
 Insemination Clinics.

10. Stop 'n' Pop
 9. Aunt Bertha's Baby Batter
 8. Jimmy the Greek's Genetic Crap 
    Shoot
 7. International House of Zygotes
 6. Steve Garvey's Kiddie City
 5. Jack-in-the-Box
 4. Cher's bedroom
 3. Ringling Brothers' Grow-Your-Own-
    Circus-People
 2. The Port Authority
 1. McFertilization

 Top 10 Reason why IRAQ wants a 
 neuclear bomb

10. To impress the babes.
 9. Already spent a lot of money on a 
    beautiful leather atomic bomb 
    case.
 8. It'll bring in the tourists.
 7. Tired of being treated like a 
    second-rate New Jersey.
 6. To threaten CBS until they give 
    Brent Musburger his job back.
 5. To get Iran to turn down the damn 
    music.
 4. Conventional warfare went out with 
    bellbottoms.
 3. Just to annoy Dan Rather.
 2. Wen some son-of-a-bitch in a 
    Porsche cuts us off on the 
    freeway.
 1. Hey! We're a bunch of lunatics who 
    want to destroy the world.
    So sue us!


 Top 10 Things that Will Get You 
 Audited

10. Using one of those "love" stamps.
 9. Have taxes done by stupid, 
    incompetent H. Block instead of by 
    smart, reliable R. Block.
 8. Using the name "Helmsley."
 7. Calling IRS hotline and offering 
    $10 a minute to talk dirty.
 6. Writing off stranger living in 
    your house as dependent.
 5. Including handwritten coupon good 
    for one "super-duper back rub."
 4. Sending in pizza crusts instead of 
    restaurant receipts.
 3. Writing off purchase of new Tito 
    Jackson album as charitable 
    donation.
 2. Claiming hookers as medical 
    expenses.
 1. Request filing extension for 
    "until hell freezes over."


 Top 10 Unsuccessful Lambada Movies

10. Ernest Goes to Lambada
 9. Lambada: The Forbidden Phony-
    Baloney Fake Fad
 8. Star Trek V: Lambada
 7. Raymond Burr's Lambada in 3-D
 6. Lambada: It's Spanish for "Polka"
 5. Zorro Acts Swishy
 4. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the 
    Lambadinator
 3. The AAA Pesents: Defensive Driving 
    the Lambada Way
 2. Godzillambada
 1. Lambada: The Dance No One's 
    Actually Doing

 Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is a Loser

10. Neighborhood kids trade and 
    collect his teeth.
 9. Sobs uncontrollably every time he 
    sees that "Hey Vern" guy.
 8. Constantly using the phrase "Okie-
    dokie."
 7. Turns you in to mall cops for 
    parking in handicapped spot.
 6. Turned down for date by Cher.
 5. Tries to start the wave while 
    watching game on TV.
 4. Pesters Eddie Albert at "Green 
    Acres" conventions.
 3. When he grows up, wants to be 
    "just like Dave."
 2. Is U. S. Vice President.
 1. Tends to sit in the backyard and 
    eat crickets.


 Top 10 Things to expel you from the 
 AAA MotorClub

10. Asking to test drive the AAA 
    receptionist.
 9. Vomiting in a toll-booth change 
    basket.
 8. Using the word "Fahrvergnugen" at 
    any time.
 7. Selling secret handshake to 
    Soviets.
 6. Repeatedly adjusting seatbelt to 
    provide erotic stimulation.
 5. Calling up the office and asking, 
    "AAA? How do you spell that?"
 4. Lewd use of service station air 
    hose.
 3. Insisting AAA motel guidebooks 
    include Dave's house.
 2. Standing up at a meeting and 
    shouting, "I've got a pocketful of 
    red hot lug nuts!"
 1. Having personalized license plate 
    reading, "I LUV EBERT."


 Top 10 Hubble Space Telescope Excuses

10. The guy at Sears promised it would 
    work fine.
 9. Some kids on Earth must be fooling 
    around with a garage door opener.
 8. There's a little doohickey rubbing 
    against the part that looks kind 
    of like a cowboy hat.
 7. See if you can think straight 
    after 12 days of drinking Tang.
 6. Bum with squegee smeared lens at 
    red light.
 5. Blueprints drawn up by that "Hey 
    Vern!" guy.
 4. Those damn raccoons!
 3. Shouldn't have used G.E. 
    components.
 2. Ran out of quarters.
 1. Race of super-evolved galactic 
    beings are screwing with us!!!!!



 Top 10 Exhibits at the Rock & Roll 
 Hall of Fame

10. Michael Jackson's original nose.
 9. Diorama of Pink Floyd trashing a 
    Holiday Inn.
 8. The childproof cap Elvis couldn't 
    open.
 7. The mint green shorts worn by 
    Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to 
    the Oldies."
 6. The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV 
    Veejay to Former MTV Veejay.
 5. The record company weasel petting 
    zoo.
 4. Great moments with Mr. Mister.
 3. Get the hell off the stage! -- a 
    tribute to opening acts.
 2. Lizard that sings "Blueberry 
    Hill."
 1. Ride tbe wild Cher!!!


TYPES OF MEN YOU MEET IN WASHROOMS

1. EXCITABLE TYPE - Pants are twisted, 
   cannot find hole, rips pants in 
   temper.

2. TIMID TYPE - Cannot pee if someone 
   is watching, pretends he has peed 
   and sneaks back later.

3. SOCIABLE TYPE - Joins friends in a 
   pee, whether he wants to or not, 
   says it does'nt cost anything.

4. INDIFFERENT TYPE - All urinals 
   occupied, pees in sink.

5. NOISY TYPE - Whistles loudly, peeks 
   over partition to see other guys
   weapon.

6. CLEVER TYPE - Pees without holding 
   tool, adjusts tie at the same time.

7. FRIVILOUS TYPE - Plays stream up, 
   down, and across, and tries to pee 
   on flies.

8. ABSENT-MINDED TYPE - Opens 
   waistcoat, takes out tie and pees 
   in pants.

9. WORRIED TYPE - Not quite sure what 
   he has been up to lately, but makes
   close inspection of tool.

10. DISGRUNTLED TYPE - Stands for a 
    while, grunts, farts, tries to pee 
   but fails.

11. PERSONALITY TYPE - Tells jokes 
    while peeing, shakes off tool with 
    a flourish.

12. SNEAKY TYPE - Drops silent fart, 
    sniffs, looks around at the next 
    guy.

13. LEARNED TYPE - Reads book while 
    peeing, wets finger with urine to 
    turn page.

14. SLOPPY TYPE - Pees down pants into 
    shoe, walks out with fly still 
    open.

15. CHILDISH TYPE - Looks at bottom of 
    urinal while peeing to see 
    bubbles.

16. STRONG TYPE - Bangs tool on side 
    of urinal to shake off drops.

17. PRECISE TYPE - Pees straight down 
    hole, likes to hear thundering 
    sound.

18. TALKATIVE TYPE - Cannot stop 
    conversation with chap he came in 
    with, even if not standing next to 
    him, leans across and pees in next 
    guys pocket.
 
 

          RULES OF THE JOHN

               By RALPH


1. If the John is engaged, cross your 
   legs.... Count to 10 and..... PRAY

2. Peeking through the keyhole or 
   cussing out occupant - strickly 
   forbidden.

3. Be sure lid is open and seat is in 
   place before action begins.

4. In awkward or embarrassing moments, 
   flush properly and spray profusely.

5. Reading of newspapers, magazines, 
   and comics while sitting on the 
   throne is limited to 5 minutes 
   (Playboy etc., 7 minutes.)

6. Gentlemen are required to stand 
   well forward - It may be shorter 
   than you think.

7. We aim to please, so you aim too, 
   PLEASE!

8. Painting on walls not permitted 
   even if complimentary.

9. Playing fairies in the John 
   prohibited.

10 Streaking out of the this John is 
   not allowed (Except after 
   midnight).

11 The John is open '24' hours a day - 
   It's as tired as you are. So treat 
   it kindly.

12 Fire Department regulations 
   restrict occupancy to no more than 
   14 persons at one time.

13 Unlucky.... Skip this one.

14 Don't rise from the seat until your 
   mission is accomplished!

               Thank You
             The Management



To All Employees:
In view of numerous inquiries, the 
Management has been asked to state 
Company position on STREAKING.

Management has adopted the following:

1.  Streaking will be permitted as 
    follows:

    A.  Female employees wil streak on 
        odd days

    B.  Males on even days

    C.  On payday all employees  may 
        streak, subject to the         
        restrictions given in items 2 
        thru 10.

2.  Girls who have tatoos on the lower 
    half of their bodies, such as     
    'sock it to me' or 'what you see 
    is what you get' will not be 
    permitted to streak. (Due to 
    inspection regulations)

3.  Men with tatoos, such as 'let it 
    all hang out' will not be 
    permitted to streak. Also, men 
    with tatoos of butterflies, or 
    roses or elves will streak with 
    females.

4.  Junior Executives may carry their 
    briefcases while streaking, 
    however, the usual rule applies - 
    they may never carry business 
    papers, but may carry the usual, 
    such as a box of kleenex, lunch, 
    wife's shopping list and Penthouse 
    magazines.

5.  Girls with bust size larger than 
    36B must wear a bara while in shop 
    area or around any moving 
    machinery. Girls smaller than 36B 
    should not try to impress people 
    by wearing a bra.

6.  If you streak in any area where 
    food is served, you must wear two 
    hair nets. These will by available 
    in the vending machine by the 
    cafeteria.

7.  In the event your physical make-up 
    is such that your sex cannot by 
    determined (such as flat chest for 
    girls) you must wear a tag stating 
    'I am a boy' or 'I am a girl'. 
    Tags will be attached on girls 
    with hair pins or paper clip; on 
    boys with a rubber band.

8.  Girls may wear jewelery while 
    streaking, but in no event should 
    they bend over to retrieve it 
    should it fall. (Due to insurance 
    regulations)

9.  No female beyond her seventh month 
    of pregancy or those wishing
    to become pregnant may streak.

10. No mixed streaking in dark 
    hallways, broom closets, or under 
    desks.

            THE MANAGEMENT


The following are actual statements 
found in insurance forms where car 
drivers attempted to summarize the 
details of the accidents in the fewest 
words. These instances of faulty 
writing serve to confirm that even 
incompetent writing may be highly 
entertaining.


- Coming home, I drove into the wrong 
  house and collided with a tree that 
  I don't have.

- The other car collided with mine 
  without giving warning of its 
  intentions.

- I thought my window was down, but 
  found out it wasn't when I put my 
  head through it.

- I collided with a stationary truck 
  coming the other way.

- A track backed through my windshield 
  into my wife's face.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under 
  my car.

- The guy was all over the road. I had 
  to swerve a number of times before I
  hit him.

- I pulled away from the side of the 
  road, glanced at my mother-in-law, 
  and  headed over the embankment.

- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove 
  into a telephone pole.

- I had been shopping for plants all 
  day and was on my way home. As I   
  reached an intersection, a hedge   
  sprang up, obscuring my vision and I   
  did not see the other car.

- I had been driving for forty years 
  when I fell asleep at the wheel and   
  had an accident.

- I was on my way to the doctor with 
  rear end trouble when my universal 
  joint gave way causing me to have an   
  accident.

- As I approached the intersection, a 
  sign suddenly appeared in a place 
  where no stop sign had ever been 
  before. I was unable to stop in time 
  to avoid the accident.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the 
  car in front, I struck the 
  pedestrian.

- An invisible car came out of 
  nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

- I told the police that I was not 
  injured, but on removing my hat, 
  found that I had a fractured skull.

- I was sure the old fellow would 
  never make it to the other side of 
  the road when I struck him.

- The pedestrian had no idea which 
  direction to run, so I ran over him.

- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old 
  gentleman as he bounced off the hood   
  of my car.

- The indirect cause of the accident 
  was a little guy in a small car with 
  a big mouth.

- I was thrown from my car as it left 
  the road. I was later found in a 
  ditch by some cows.

- The telephone pole was approaching. 
  I was attempting to swerve out of 
  its way, when it struck my car.

- My car was legally parked as it 
  backed into the other vehicle.


      ::::::::::::::::::::::::::
      ::: DOUBLESIDING PAPER :::
      ::::::::::::::::::::::::::



The good news is that, due to rising 
sales of computers, the price of 
diskettes is falling. The bad news is 
that the near future is likely to 
bring higher prices for paper 
supplies. However, if you still use 
the old No.2 bonded lead 
wordprocessor, I have some useful 
information. YOU CAN DOUBLE-SIDE YOUR 
NOTEBOOK PAPER!

Although paper manufacturers only 
certify the "front side" of a piece of 
paper, it is a little known fact that 
the back side is capable of holding 
the same amount of information. You 
too, can use the back side of your 
paper. But before you do, I must 
inform you that there are mixed 
feelings about doing so.

Paper manufacturers are quick to point 
out that writing on the back side of 
the sheet could cause problems for the 
data on both sides of the paper, and 
that they will not honour warranties 
if the back side has been used. The 
biggest problem is "write through". 
This occurs if the wrong pencil or pen 
is used, or if too much pressure is 
applied during the writing process. 
There is also a problem  with 
standardization. Some users turn the 
paper upside-down when writing on the 
back, while others leave it right-
side-up. (If the paper is held upside-
down during the reading process, it 
will be in the wrong orientation to 
the "head", and a read error will 
occur.) Also many school teachers, 
publishers and governmental offices 
frown upon the practice of using the 
back of the paper, and will not accept 
material if both sides of the paper 
have been used.

Students and other paper users 
however, claim they have used the back 
of many thousands of pages with little 
or no loss of data. A few go so far as 
to claim there is a conspiracy among 
paper manufacturers, merchandisers and 
public officials to discourage the use 
of the backs.

You must decide for yourself if you 
will use the back side of your paper. 
But if you decide to give it a go, 
here's how.

Look at the sheet of paper. You can 
tell the front by several different 
methods. First, the row of alignment 
holes go towards the left. Secondly, 
the watermark (if present) can be read 
if you hold the paper up to the light. 
To double-side a sheet, turn it over 
and examine the back. Look especially 
for flaws and defects. If the overall 
appearance is satisfactory, then with 
a ruler and pen, mark the hole 
locations on the proper side. (You 
should try this initially with paper 
containing no valuable data.) Use a 
regular hole-punch to make the holes. 
(You can purchase one at a department 
store, but I don't recommend that you 
tell them what you intend to use it 
for.) Your paper is now double sided. 
Good luck if you decide to try it...


          :::::::::::::::::
          ::: A BAD DAY :::
          :::::::::::::::::

 
You know you are having a BAD DAY 
when:
 
When your TOOTHPASTE taste FUNNY, and 
you look at the TUBE, and its 
PREPERATION H!.
 
When you discover that you just 
SPRAYED your UNDERARMS with HAIRSPRAY!
 
When you go outside and notice you 
have a FLAT, and the SPARE is also 
FLAT!.
 
When you stop for gas, and you FILL up 
the CAR, and then find that you left 
your WALLET at home!.

When you stop to buy CIGARETTES and 
you later find out that they gave you 
a PACK of NON-FILTER CIGARETTES!.

When you put 50 cents in the PARKING 
METER and the NEEDLE doesn't MOVE!.

When you walk into a room full of 
LADIES and notice your ZIPPER is 
OPEN!.

When you go to the BATHROOM and find 
out there is no TOILET PAPER, and you 
have to come back out like DON JOHNSON 
of MIAMI VICE (no socks!).

When you put your MONEY in the COFFEE 
MACHINE and the COFFEE comes out, but 
no CUP!.
 
When you drive 30 miles to the nearest 
CONSUMERS DISTRIBUTING to get an item 
and they DON'T have it in STOCK!
 
When you get out of BED in the MORNING 
and feel something WARM between your 
toes, and then realize you forgot to 
take the DOG out for a walk last 
night!.
 
When you TURN ON your AMIGA and insert 
the WORKBENCH DISK and the HAND on the 
screen just stays there!.
 
When you notice at 1:00 in the 
morning, you DON'T have anymore 
CIGATETTES, and your wife EMPTIED all 
the cigarette buts into the toilet 
before going to bed!.

When after 3 hours of trying, you 
finally CONNECT to your favorite BBS 
and the POWER GOES OFF!.


That's all folks.....

