OFFENSIVE JOKES
~CROSS.FIL~
A COMPILATION OF OFFENSIVE JOKES ABOUT SEX, NUNS AND MORE...
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So this fellow goes off to school for a few years. After some time, 
his folks write and tell him they miss him, and would he please send 
them a photograph? WELL, he looks around and the only recent photo he 
can find is one taken of him last summer at a nudist camp.  SO, he 
cuts the photograph in half and sends the top part home.  A while 
later he gets a note thanking him for the picture and mentioning that 
Grandma also misses him and wishes that she also had a photograph.
NOW, he knows that Grandma is getting on in years.  Can't hardly see 
at all really, so he decides to just send the bottom half of that 
photo to her -- she won't be able to tell. A WHILE later, he gets a 
note from Grandma telling him that she does indeed miss her Grandson, 
and thanking him for the photograph.

"You seem to be in good health", she writes, "but I don't approve of 
the way  you're wearing your hair.  It makes your nose look much too 
long!" 

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(1) This new dean moved into his office, and there was a note on the 
door left by the predecessor.  The note said, "In the center desk 
drawer,there are three envelopes which are to be used, in the order 
marked, for your first three crises.

About a month later, the dean had been called on the carpet and felt 
the need to get out of the hole.  So, the first envelope was opened. 
It said,  "Tell them you're having a terrible time straightening the 
mess caused by your predecessor." 

By golly, that worked.  About 3 months later, another crisis came 
along, and the second envelope had to be opened.  It said, "Tell them 
you're new on the job, and that you need a little time to finish 
cleaning up."

By golly, that worked.  About 6 months later, another crisis came 
along, and the third envelope was opened.  It said, "Prepare three 
envelopes!"

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You ask someone if they know what moth balls smell like.  When they 
say yes, you ask them how they got their tiny legs apart. 

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During a routine checkup, and 86-year-old man told his physician that 
he and he new wife had been having difficulty having a child. The 
doctor gave the man a vial and asked him to return with a sperm 
sample.     

Two hours later, the man returned and said, "I just can't do it 
doctor. I tried with my right hand, with my left hand and with both 
hands. Couldn't do it. My wive even tried--with and without her 
teeth! No matter what we did, we just couldn't get that damn bottle 
open! 

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"Send someone here quickly!" a matronly woman screamed into the 
phone.  "Two naked bikers are climbing up to my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, ma'am," the voice on the other end of 
the phone replied.  "I'll have to transfer you to the Police 
Department."

"No, no, it's you I want!" the lady yelled.  "They need a longer 
ladder!" 

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A young priest just out of the seminary went downtown one afternoon, 
when he was approached by a member of the oldest profession.  "Hey, 
Father," the tart called out, "Give ya a blowjob for 20 bucks."  The 
young father, not knowing what she was referring to, blushed and said 
a very polite, "No, thank you."

Upon returning to the church later that evening, the priest ran into 
the Mother Superior and asked her, "Mother Superior, what's a blow 
job?"  To which she replied, "20 bucks, same as downtown."

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A nun, a priest, a lawyer, and 500 children were on the ill-fated 
cruise of the Titanic.  Shortly after hitting the iceberg, the nun 
called out "Save the children!"  The lawyer answered "Fuck the 
children!"  The priest, looking around asked "Do you think there's 
time?" 

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Q: Why do Scottish men wear kilts? A:  Sheep can hear a zipper a 
   mile away.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy. 

Q: What's black and white and red all over and has trouble getting 
   through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: Have you heard about the new Michael Jackson doll? 
A: It plays with your kids.

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The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After 
a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, 
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions 
about the church, and in particular, nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, 
 about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
"No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about 
 three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."        
"Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. 

So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  chant the other six dwarfs. 
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."        
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy 
fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!".... 

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A man was having a problem with tennis elbow.  The pain became so bad 
that he finally went to the doctor.  While he waited in the examining 
room, a nurse entered and requested a urine sample.  "Why?!  My 
problem is my elbow!"  But the nurse insisted, and the man finally 
complied.  Moments later the doctor entered and said "Well, the 
results of the urine analysis show that you have tennis elbow...I can 
prescribe some ointment and a painkiller..."  "WHAT?!", the man 
interrupted, "How could you tell that from just a urine sample?"  The 
doctor replied "I've just purchased this incredible new machine that 
can diagnose ANY ailment of the human body from just an urine specimen! 
 
It cost a fortune, but now we can get results almost instantly, and 
no other test is needed.  Now, come back in 2 weeks, give us another 
urine sample, and we'll see if your elbow is healed."  Of course, the 
man was skeptical, and upon going home he told his wife, who also 
figured it was a scam of some kind.  So they decided to try and trick 
this "machine".  2 weeks later, on the day he is supposed to return 
to the doctor, the man pees in a jar, then gets his wife and teenage 
daughter to pee in it. He puts in some oil from his car, and then, 
for good measure, he jerks off into it.  Mixing it all up, he puts a 
lid on the jar and hides it in his coat while he enters the doctor's 
office.  When he is asked for a urine sample, he goes into the 
bathroom and instead pours this melange into the cup.  The nurse 
takes it and leaves.  A full fifteen minutes later, the doctor comes 
in and says, "All right, smartass.  Your wife is pregnant, your 
daughter has syphilis, your car's on the verge of throwing a rod and 
if you don't quit jerking off that elbow will NEVER heal!"

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A bunch of nuns had been out doing good things all day and on 
returning to the convent decided that a good bath was called for.
Being confirmed environmentalists the nuns bathed in a large bath 
communally to save water, etc. They all dived into the water and 
girls being girls there was a lot of splashing, laughter and general 
innocent fun. However, one nun, Mary, sat alone in a corner with only 
her head showing and with a smile of ecstasy on her face. After a 
while one of the nuns decides that its time to get properly clean in 
readiness for prayers. She searches in vain along the edges of the 
bath for the soap. She then starts a search in the bath around her 
but still cannot find the soap. She then calls out "Where's the 
soap?" Mary still in private ecstasy forgets herself, raises her hand 
out of the water clutching the soap, and moans "Yes it does, doesn't 
it?"

No hints. Work it out for yourself.

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A bear and a rabbit find themselves side by side in the woods, taking 
a dump. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "say, do you ever have 
trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"  the rabbit says, "why, no, 
I don't." 

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his tail with him. 

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Two nuns are walking down a dark street, when they are suddenly 
jumped by two men who attack them and start raping them. 

The first nun looks up to heaven and prays, "forgive them, father, 
for they know not what they do..."

The second one looks up and says, "THIS one does..." 

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A man dies suddenly. His wife has him cremated.  The man leaves a lot 
of money to his wife. They had not had a happy marriage, she never 
seemed to get what she wanted and neither did he. So after he was 
cremated the funeral director asked her if she wanted the ashes. Of 
course she did but she wanted to prepare the proper place for him at 
home. She leaves the funeral home.  After the usual "mourning" period 
she decides to return to the funeral home and pick up her dearly 
departed husband.  She places his urn in the front seat of her car 
and says "See this car Henry, this beautiful new Mercedes. I bought 
it with your money since you would never buy it for me." She drives 
home and walks into the house. She says "See this beautiful home 
Henry, totally new, everything new. All the furniture, all carpets 
the whole house all new. I bought this with your money too, since you 
would never buy it for me." She then carefully spreads Henry's ashes 
on the kitchen table and says "Get ready Henry I have something for 
you the I would never give you either."  She takes a deep breath and 
blows his ashes everywhere. She then states "See there was that blow 
job you always wanted!" 

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A nun is walking back to the convent late one night when a man jumps 
out of the bushes and rapes her.  When he's done he sneers, "So, what 
are you going to tell your Mother Superior *now*?"  She replies, 
"I'll tell her I was walking home late, a man jumped out of the 
bushes and raped me twice.....unless you're tired."

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An oldish nun, in full "penguin" garb was standing next to a VERY 
busy wide road wanting to get to the other side, but not standing 
much of a chance with the traffic passing at high speeds in a 
continuing stream. Just then a huge motorcycle driven by a leather 
jacketed, chain bedecked heavily bearded man comes roaring along.

As he passes her he notices the nun, makes an extremely dangerous 
turn in the road, roars back, parks his bike next to the road, jumps 
off, dashes into the middle of the road, gesticulates, holds up his 
hands and manages to stop the traffic.  The nun walks across to the 
other side and our bearded hero gets out of the way letting the 
traffic resume. 

When he gets to his bike, the nun awaits him and thanking him she 
expresses some surprise at his daringly good manners and concern 
for her, traits not normally associated with the looks of him and the 
like. His response, "Hey man, believe me, any friend of Batman's a 
friend o' mine."

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There's this blonde who is very horny. She goes to the doctor and 
says "Doctor, you have got to help me. All I can think about is sex. 
And no man can satisfy me."  The doctor says to wait. He goes into 
the back room and returns with a box. "We have this new product in. 
"It's called the magic dildo. It will satisfy you." He pulls it out 
and it looks like a little piece of chalk.  "What is that pathetic 
little toy going to do for me?" "Watch. You hold it in you hand. Say 
"magic dildo" and tell it what to fuck." The doctor then holds up the 
dildo and says "Magic dildo, the wall." The dildo then swells to 15 
inches long, and the size of a sausage.  It flies out of his hand and 
crashes into the wall. It then proceeds to bang on the wall 
extremely violently.  The wall actually gets a hole in it.      

"I'll take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she says. While driving home, the 
blonde once again starts to get that feeling. So she holds the dildo 
up and says "Magic dildo, my pussy. "The didlo swells and flies.
She goes wild. As she reaches orgasm after orgasm, her cars swerves 
all over the road. She ends up crashing into a police car. The cop 
jumps out of his car and is pissed. He runs over to her as she is 
trying to leave the scene. He tears off the door of the car and yells 
"What the hell is your problem you stupid blonde." She tries to 
explain. "It wasn't me officer -- it is this magic dildo."      

The cop grabs it and yells "Magic dildo............yeah right. Magic 
dildo my ass."

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A recent evening at the White House, as Bill and Hillary get ready 
for bed...

Bill: You've done a tremendous job with health care reform, and I 
think the American people are ready for you take a position with even 
more responsibility.  I want you to be our representative in Bosnia. 

Hillary: Oh Bill, please don't send me to Bosnia.  I'll do anything 
         to not go to Bosnia. 

Bill:    Anything, huh... Since you put it that way, I haven't had a 
         blow job since before we were married.

Hillary: Not a blow job, Bill.  Can't you pick something else?

Bill:    Sorry, it's either Bosnia or a blow job. 

Hillary: (reluctantly)  Well, ok.  Get in bed.

         (the act commences)

Hillary: This tastes like shit!! What have you been doing!?!

Bill:    Al didn't want to go to Bosnia either.

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There is this lady that goes to the doctor because her and her 
husband just have not been having good sex lately. The doctor gives 
her a bottle of pills and says to give her husband one a day.      

Well, not wanting him to know what she had done, she hid the pill in 
his food that night at dinner. The sex that night was great. Next 
day, she put a few more pills in his dinner. That night, the sex just 
blew her mind. So, she just can't stand is anymore, she takes the 
whole bottle, ginds up all the pills and puts it in his dinner.

A few days later her son walks into the doctor's office and asks the 
doctor if she gave his Mom any pills for his Dad.  The doctor said 
that she had, and asked if their was anything wrong.  Well, the boy 
said yes, "My Mommy's dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and 
my Dad is walking around the house going 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

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Three Nuns die in a car wreck and find themselves standing before 
St.Peter at the gate. 

St.Peter: You have all led exemplary lives, but before you may pass 
through the gates of Heaven, you must each answer one question. 

The first Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: Who was the first man on Earth? 

Nun: Thats easy, it was Adam. 

The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly 
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.

The second Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: Who was the first woman on Earth? 

Nun: Thats easy, it was Eve. 

The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly 
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.

The third Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: What were Eve's first words?

The Nun thinks and thinks, finally she gives up, looks at St.Peter 
and says "Oh, thats a hard one!" 

The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly 
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.

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An English couple were in Paris when the wife died. The husband 
wanted the funeral there, and needed to buy a black hat for the 
funeral. He mistook the word "chapeau" and went in search instead for 
a "capote".
 
capote=condom 

Asking where he could get a capote, he was directed to the chemist's 
shop, where he asked for a capote noire.  

capote noire= black condom

L'homme behind the counter said, "Capote noire, capote noire? 
Monsieur, nous avons des capotes jaune, et capotes rouge, 
mais...capotes noire...nous n'en avons pas. Pourquois 
voudriez-vous une capote noire?" The man behind the counter said, 
"Black condom, black condom? Sir, we have yellow condoms, and red 
condoms, but...black condoms...we don't have those.  Why would you 
want a black condom?" 

The poor widower replied "C'est pour ma femme. Elle est  morte." The 
poor widower replied, "It's for my wife.  She is dead."

"Ah" replied the shop man, "les Anglais...quelle finesse!" "Ah," 
replied the shop man, "The English...such class!"
~GREEN.PAL~
